Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Feds Foil Massive Plots by Former US Allies to Poison Katrina Survivors

Federal officials announced today that they have uncovered two plots by foreign agents to poison hundreds of thousands of survivors of Hurricane Katrina.

"It was diabolical" said one employee of the US Food and Drug Administration. "A plan worth of al Quida" said another. "This is the sickest thing I have ever seen," echoed a high government official, "The British, under the guise of sending help to this country in our moment of need, actually attempted to poison these poor people, in effect victimizing the victims."

Sharp eyed employees of the FDA have been scrutinizing the shiploads of foodstuffs bombarding our shores recently marked as "Hurricane Relief". "We all suspected that someone might try something like this," said one official, but we hardly expected to find two of our allies, England and Mexico, behind the plot."

The attempt by Mexico to prey on the evacuees was quickly foiled as soon as the invading Mexican Army crossed the International Border. As soon as customs officials spotted "Water Purification" equipment on the Mexican trucks, the entire convoy was diverted to San Antonio, a fully functional city where the foreign agents would have no excuse to unload their vehicles.

The English plot was uncovered early this week. "We discovered that those bastards had shipped 400,000 MREs earmarked for consumption by Katrina survivors," said one inspector, "They expected that conditions would be so chaotic in the area that no one would notice that these meals contained meat!" The 400,000 MREs were quickly isolated and are now slated to be destroyed.

British meatstuff has been banned in the US for years, ever since a few cases of Mad Cow Disease struck in England. The British note that they have not had any cases of the disease in nearly a decade, and point out that the ban appears more to be in support of the US meat industry than over any real concern about Mad Cow Disease. They cite the fact that despite pleadings from US cattlemen, the US government has nixed the idea of testing each animal slaughtered by US meat producers.

English authorities are downplaying the significance of the attempted plot. They point out that the MREs in question are from the same stock that they use to feed their own armed forces. "Right," scoffed one US military leader, "We are talking here about the same British armed forces that allows gays to serve in their ranks? Obviously those folks don't care what they put in their mouths. 'Nuff said?" he concluded.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush lauded the quick action of the FDA. "I'm so glad that they caught this." she said. When asked if perhaps eating the English donations might be preferable to the starving than going without food, she snapped at the reporter "Fuck no. Let them eat cake!"


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