Sunday, September 18, 2005

Prickly Pious Priest Pricks Parishoners

Unclear on the concept
Priest wishes prison
Gets jeered instead

Life started to crumble for Rev. Arthur Michalka last week when he received a letter from the bishop's office informing him that he was being laid off. The diocese has had to implement drastic cost cutting measures as the result of several recent multi-million dollar court judgements.

The 78 year old priest said that with no place to go and no money, he looked at his options and decided to get himself arrested and sent to prison. "It was that or the streets," he said. "I was steamed. Here I am, almost 80 years old, never even look cross-eyed at a kid in all those years, and I gotta starve just because of those clowns. It's just not fair."

"So if they are going to sit in prison with a roof over their heads and 3 meals a day, I'm sure not going to let myself be a homeless person. I'll treat prison like a retirement home. It beats the alternative." he exclaimed.

Michalka said that he isn't afraid of prison life. "I watched the complete series of Oz," he says, "I can do that."

The priest's plans went awry though. He knew that his retirement fund was gone because of some pedophile priests who had been doing some "pricking", but he had never bothered to find out just what was involved.

That's why on Wednesday, during evening Mass at Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Corn Hill, he called about 15 children to come forward so he could prick their palms with an unsterilized pin.

When a parent rushed up and asked Father Michalka what he was doing, the priest turned around to the congregation and explained what he had done and demanded to be arrested for child molestation. It is reported that the laughter and calls of derision could be heard 3 blocks away.

Satire inspired by a posting at Pam's House Blend


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