Monday, October 10, 2005

God: New Tactic; Preemptive Strikes. Thousands of Fag Enablers Now Dead

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Heaven, October 10, 2005 - In a press conference held Monday morning outside of The Pearly Gates, God's press secretary, Michael (The Archangel) Smith, told reporters that God had opened a new offensive in the war against the sodomites with two preemptive strikes, one in Central America and a second in Pakistan.

Smith said that a stealth earthquake was launched against Pakistan after Heaven's intelligence agencies confirmed reports that two fourteen year old boys in that country had been having sex with each other for the past two weeks.

Smith said that the two teenagers had been killed along with some 20,000 others whom he characterized as collateral damage. "People have to know," Smith said, "That if they harbor sodomites in their midst, they will suffer the same fate as the sinners."

Heaven rocked Central America with a hurricane which resulted in a series of floods and mud slides after learning that a 31 year old Homosexual operative in Guatemala had launched a web site espousing equality and civil rights for sodomites. The attack killed not only the blogger, but also hundreds in Guatemala, El Salvador and Mexico.

Heaven's new hard line stance comes after mounting criticism from opposition leaders that God has been soft on sodomy. Smith would say only that the war has moved into a new phase. "We have reorganized our Intelligence Unit," he said, "There were valid concerns that we, being all knowing of everything past, present and future, could do better in forecasting the enemy's plans."

Smith also went on to say that the policy changes were sparked in part by the failures to defeat the sodomites with the 1989 San Francisco earthquake and the recent hurricane attack on New Orleans. "We learned," he said, "that it is almost impossible to wipe out the insurgency once it gains too much of a foothold in an area. We can disperse them for a short time, but they come right back. We now plan to concentrate our efforts in areas loyal to heaven, striking like a hammer whenever we see the first sparks of homosexual passion."

Smith also took the opportunity to praise the new hardliner, Pope Benedict XVI. "God wanted me to let you know that He thinks that 'Rati' is doing a heck of a job," Smith said. "God was particularly pleased at Rati's handling of the issue of sodomites in the seminaries. In fact He cracked up over The Pope's decision that fags could be admitted only if they could meet the impossible burden of proving that they hadn't had sex for three years."


Blogger Pam said...

I'm linking back to this brilliance, Paul!

2:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paul, you are a genius! If I were you, I'd move from SF right away

7:13 AM  

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