Saturday, February 25, 2006

Can People Be This Stupid? People Can.


Microwaved Penis Turns Out To Be Fake

By JOE MANDAK, Associated Press Writer

Friday, February 24, 2006



Now I have to admit that the above headline got my attention. The story in a nutshell is that a couple go into a convenience store and ask to warm something up in the microwave there. The clerk notices that the item that they place in the microwave is apparently a severed penis and calls the cops.

Now here is where an admittedly already strange story starts to get seriously weird. It turns out that the woman is due to take a pre-employment drug piss test and she is trying to find a way to beat it. These morons get hold of one of those fake dicks with a pee reservoir , you know, the thing designed for GUYS to hang out of their pants in front of the drug inspector, which they fill with the boyfriend's clean pee.

She and her boyfriend were warming up the device in the microwave so that the pee it dispensed would be body temperature as it streamed out in front of the inspector. That's all fine and good, but didn't she ever stop to think that the drug inspector just might get kinda suspicious when this woman pulls out her dick to pee in the jar? Hello?

I don't know what kind of job she was applying for, but my guess is that unless it was one where the cash register has pictures of food items on the buttons instead of numbers, she probably isn't qualified. I just hope that the mastermind of this plot was the drug addled woman and not her substance free boyfriend.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Party time!

Stuff you just can't make up...

From The Houston Chronicle:
Military interrogators posing as FBI agents at the U.S. detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, wrapped terrorism suspects in an Israeli flag and forced them to watch homosexual pornography under strobe lights during interrogation sessions that lasted as long as 18 hours, according to one of a batch of FBI memos released Thursday.

(Sounds like some of the nights I spent under the influence of Chrystal Meth back in my wild days...)

Seems like the real FBI agents complained, saying that the actions would make any information gained not admittable in court, but they were overruled by Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller, who was in charge of the prison at the time.

Now the kicker. The last sentence of the story:
"Miller later left Guantanamo and was sent to Iraq under orders to find better ways of extracting intelligence."

Thursday, February 23, 2006

No comment needed...

The American Association of Port Authorities estimates that ports need $5.4 billion over 10 years to upgrade security, but the Bush administration has budgeted $708 million. (Kansas City Star, 2/23/2006)

and...

The federal government is on the verge of one of the biggest giveaways of oil and gas in American history, worth an estimated $7 billion over five years. (NYTimes via the Lakeland Florida Ledger 2/13/2006)

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I won! I won!

The funny thing is, I don't even remember entering this lottery...

FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
UK,CAMELOT EMAIL LOTTERY WINNINGS
THE NATIONAL LOTTERY
P.O BOX 1010
LIVERPOOL
L70 1NL
REF NO: MELI-T/ 17-F044262312
BATCH: 901/00319/HLP

(AWARD NOTIFICATION (JAVA POWERED ONLINE EMAIL SELECTION 8TH FEB)

We are pleased to inform you of the announcement today of
winners of the CAMELOT JACKPOT LOTTO WINNINGS, PROGRAMS held on 8th
feb 2006.Your company or your personal e-mail address, is attached to
ticket number 901-0148-790-691, with serial number 66109-17 drew the
lucky numbers 990-11-815-37-10-83, and consequently won the
lottery in the 2nd category.


You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of
US$300,000.00 in cash credited to file REF NO: MELI-T/
17-F044262312. This is from total prize money of US$9,000,000.00 shared
among the Thirty (30) international winners in this category.


All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn
form 25,000 names from Australia, New Zealand,America, Europe, North
America and Asia, as part of International Promotions Program, which is
conducted annually.


Your fund has been deposited in an escrow account and insured in your
name.Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep
this award strictly from public notice until your claim has been
processed and your money remitted to your account.


This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or
unscrupulous acts by participants of this program. We hope with a part
will participate in our year high stakes US$100. Million International, you must first contact the claims department by email:
Mr. DUKE ANDREWS claimsprocessonline@yahoo.com
"For processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice.Remember, all prize money must be claimed not later than the 15th feb, 2006.All funds not claimed on or before the fixed date will be returned as unclaimed. NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in all correspondences with this office. Furthermore, should there be any change of your address, do inform us as soon as possible.

Congratulations again from all our staff for being part of our promotions program.

Sincerely,

Mrs Jane wesley For ukCamelot lotto

Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result in disqualification and any winner below the age of 18years is automatically disqualified. For processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice.Remember, all prize money must be claimed not later than the 15th feb, 2006.

All funds not claimed on or before the fixed
date will be returned as unclaimed. NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary
delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and
batch numbers in all correspondences with this office.
Furthermore, should there be any change of your address, do inform us
as soon as possible.


Congratulations again from all our staff for being part of
our promotions program.
Sincerely,
Mrs Jane wesley
For ukCamelot lotto ;

N.B. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will
result in disqualification and any winner below the age of 18years is
automatically disqualified.


Oh hell, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone? I guess I don't get the money now, huh?

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Freedom Of Speech